What I Wish You Knew About Being A Parent

Becoming a parent is the most permanent thing a human can do. Think about it: There are very few decisions that can’t be reversed or corrected. You can get divorced, rebuild your savings, and have tattoos removed. But once you’ve had a child, your life is forever changed.

We’re socialized to believe being a parent gives you legitimacy. The average adult is seen as more responsible when they’re a parent. We’re also told that raising a child is the most noble, gratifying job on Earth—especially for women. It’s no wonder that when reality falls short of expectations, even privately admitting your own regret can feel deeply shameful.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I’ve had more than one client almost whisper to me that they may have made a mistake by having children. These confessions are always followed by, “Don’t get me wrong—I love my kids and would do anything for them.”

We’ve made progress expanding conversations around postpartum anxiety and depression, but when it comes to expressing anything short of undying devotion to parenthood, a stigma remains. But parenting is hard, and without a safe space to acknowledge that out loud and seek help without backlash, it’s even harder.

So, before you have kids, here are five things I want you to know:

Regret is normal, although few admit to it

Feeling anxious about having kids doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have them. Anxiety is your body telling you this is a big decision, and having cold feet is normal and appropriate when considering major decisions like getting married or having a child.

Although you may yearn for kids, the truth is parenting can feel like a jump off the high dive into shockingly cold water. There’s no way to prevent your lifestyle from changing, and it can leave you questioning why you put yourself in that situation and mourning your old life.

Regret can feel especially shameful to parents who struggled with infertility or went to great lengths to adopt. Know that you’re allowed to be grateful for your child and regret parenthood at the same time.

You need to be on the same page as your partner

Society pressures couples to want to have babies. And while today more people openly own their choice to remain child-free, they’re still subject to pushback and criticism—especially women, who are deemed selfish or less important.

Pressure also comes from parents who want grandchildren or the other partner in the relationship. But having a child to appease someone else is never a good idea.

That’s why honest conversations before you have kids (ideally, before you get married) are essential in a relationship. Discuss your preferences regarding children, talk about how you were raised and your thoughts on discipline and supervision, and really listen to what your partner is telling you. Remember, being open to having children isn’t the same as wanting them. Don’t assume you’ll sway your partner past ambivalence if they’re on the fence.

Premarital counseling can help, but never go with the intention of changing your partner’s mind. Instead, seek therapy to sort your own feelings.

Your life holds clues about what to expect

You can’t fully anticipate how parenthood will affect your life, but you can look for evidence that you’re a couple who works well together and can adapt to change. Shared values, similar boundaries, and teamwork all bode well. Is there a fair division of labor in your household? How well do you communicate? Do you get along with your in-laws?

It’s important to work on yourself, too. How well do you handle stress or disappointment? What are your triggers and how do you manage anger?

Raising kids is exhausting, emotionally taxing, and expensive. It can stress-test a relationship as much as serious illness, addiction, or infidelity, so make sure yours has a solid foundation. If it doesn’t, start working on repairs.

Most people are unprepared for the changes that parenting brings. One regret that’s often raised is losing your independence. Sure, there are constraints inherent in being responsible for a tiny person who’s completely dependent on you, but your child will also get used to your lifestyle as well.

The pediatrician I saw when my son was young used to remind me that kids adapt to their parents. If you’re a night owl, you can structure your baby’s schedule to align better with yours. If travel was a big part of your life, you’ll find ways to go places as a family.

It won’t be perfect, and you’ll need to lower your expectations, but if there’s room for modification, it’s fine to prioritize your needs, too.

Work with your partner to support one another and make a point of checking in with each other. Talk about what you’re thinking, especially when your circumstances or feelings change. And with kids, life is always changing, which is good. A stage that feels barely manageable will often evolve into one that’s easier to navigate.

Finally, there’s nothing wrong with having aspects of your life that don’t revolve around your child. Your work, hobbies, friendships, and relationship with your partner can help you regain a sense of self and remind you that you’re still an individual.

Bad parents don’t worry about being bad parents

A neglectful, abusive, or narcissistic parent doesn’t worry about having second thoughts. So, if you’re concerned about not being a good enough parent, or feel guilty because you regret having a child, that tells me you’re aware of your emotions—and chances are you’re probably going to be a pretty good parent.

• What life is like as a modern parent.
• What’s the best age range to have kids?
• Northwell’s approach to fertility.