My Marriage Is Over. How Do I Cope?

Dear Doctor,

My spouse recently filed for divorce and while it’s not entirely a surprise, I wasn’t prepared for it, either. Sometimes I don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning. How am I going to get through this?

Sincerely,

“Devastated after Divorce”

Dear Devastated:

First, know that you’re not alone. The pandemic has been tough on relationships. Couples aren’t meant to be together 24/7, and not all of them have endured.

But you will get through your divorce. Here’s some information to help you cope:

Acknowledge your grief. You lost something you expected to last forever. You need to give yourself the space to process that loss and experience all the stages of grief–denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, eventually, acceptance.

Give yourself a break. You’re going through a difficult time. Curl up and watch Netflix for three hours if you need it. People think rest and experiencing their emotions is unproductive. But as a therapist, I can assure you, they can be just as productive as working all day.

Talk to yourself like a friend. If you begin to spiral into negative thinking, challenge those thoughts, as if your best friend said the same things to you. Divorce doesn’t mean you’re an incompetent partner. It simply means the relationship didn’t work out.

Start a gratitude journal. It’s tough to see the positive when you’re going through such a tough time. A gratitude journal can help alter your outlook. Take a few minutes each day to jot down three things you’re grateful for. It could be as simple as you woke up and it didn’t snow again. The more you do it, the more easily it will become ingrained to look at the world in a positive light.

Don’t go it alone. Share your feelings honestly with friends and family. Cry if you need to. While you may not be able to get together over coffee right now, you can FaceTime, call, or text your support system. Consider joining a virtual support group where you can connect with others going through similar situations.

Don’t suck it up for the kids. Emotions are natural. If your children don’t see yours, they could learn the behavior of not expressing their own emotions and grow up not knowing the true impact the divorce had on you. Plus the story in their head is probably 10 times worse than what’s actually going on. Keep things age appropriate, of course, but don’t feel like you have to act like everything’s ok all the time.

Seek out a therapist if you need one. There are hundreds of different therapists using different modalities, each of whom has a different personality. Call a few for consultations to make sure they’re a good fit. There’s no shame in leaning on a therapist for a short time. They can help you examine your view of the relationship, and help you move forward from it.

• The mental and physical benefits of nature—especially right now.
• A brief digital detox can help you sleep better and feel less stressed.
• Why do people cheat? A marriage counselor explains it all.