My Ex Doesn't Want To Co-Parent

I’ve been divorced for almost a year and share two elementary-school aged kids with my ex-husband. I initiated the divorce—and he wasn’t happy about it—but we had agreed that we’d always put our children’s needs first. Well, now he’s met someone else, and it’s been a struggle to get him to show up consistently for the kids. Seeing the disappointment on their faces when he cancels is heartbreaking. And I’m now left doing all the parenting. How can I get him to stay involved in a meaningful way?

Sincerely,
“It Takes Two”

Dear It Takes Two:

Your frustration is understandable. Assuming your divorce agreement includes rules for shared custody, there are tactics you can try to improve your situation.

Communication is key, not only for coordinating pickups and drop-offs, but for sharing important information. Barring any safety issues, you can’t control his behavior or what he does in his own household, but you can control your own words, tone, and expectations. The best advice I give clients who are going through something similar is: You need to love your kids more than you dislike your ex-partner.

Your children are always observing and absorbing, even subconsciously. They’re learning from your example how to handle conflict, manage their emotions, and problem solve. With that in mind, never speak badly about your ex in front of your kids or directly to them.

If your ex repeatedly cancels plans and disappoints your kids, you can explain to them that their dad is going through a difficult time right now and perhaps you can arrange for them to FaceTime with their father. It can get tricky walking the line between covering for his behavior and exposing your children to painful realities. Try to keep your kids’ best interest in mind when deciding how much to divulge.

When communicating with your ex, save longer conversations for email. Email allows you to express yourself uninterrupted and, because it’s not as instant as texting, is less confrontational. It also provides written documentation should you need it. Stick to facts, not emotions, and resist the temptation to push his buttons. You know the ones: “You’re acting like your father” or “I know you’re going to fight me on this ... .”

Try to treat your ex like a co-worker. Be cordial, friendly, and noncombative. Stick with the facts when discussing issues and maintain appropriate boundaries.

When possible, offer him choices. “Teacher conferences are next Thursday. Should we talk to the teachers together or arrange separate meetings?” In a couple, one parent typically handles most school issues, so when there’s a breakup, the parent who’s unfamiliar with how things work sometimes backs off in defeat. If you want him to step up, provide clear information and expectations.

There are co-parenting apps that allow you to share schedules and appointments, and record expenses. You can also use a shared Google doc or family calendar. What you shouldn’t do is use your kids to relay messages to your ex.

Keep in mind that while co-parenting may be difficult now, it may improve in time. As your kids get older, their needs will change and your emotional ties to your ex will evolve.

• How I built a functional co-parenting routine.
• Learn about the pediatric psychiatry services at Cohen Children’s.
• How to cope after going through a divorce.