It’s Not Easy, But Co-Parenting Is Possible

Seven years ago, my ex-husband and I made the decision to divorce. Although the split wasn’t exactly amicable, our priority was our son, who is now 11. So, despite any anger we had towards one another, we knew that if we wanted to help him get through this difficult time, we had to push that animosity aside and put his needs first.

That doesn’t mean it was easy. In fact, the road to successful co-parenting took a lot of planning and (sometimes tough) conversations. While our relationship still isn’t perfect, my ex-husband and I have managed to create a cooperative and amicable situation that works for our family.

And if I had a friend going through a divorce, these are the five things I’d tell them about co-parenting.

This was new territory for all of us, so it was important to seek out some professional help. Once we made the decision to end our marriage, I arranged for my ex-husband and I to meet with a child psychologist to help us figure out how to explain the divorce to our then 4-year-old preschooler.

With the psychologist, we came up with a detailed plan, which included preparing a script to help us break the news, taking our son to see his dad’s new place, and going out to dinner together afterward. It’s never easy telling your child that mom and dad are splitting up, but the preparation we did beforehand helped my ex and me stay in sync that day, as well as explain things in a way that our son could understand.

This also led to one of the most important parts of our divorce agreement: The decision to consult professionals when it comes to our son. If there are certain parenting issues we simply can’t agree on, we’ll speak to his physicians and educators, giving them the deciding vote if needed.

Kids crave consistency—and our son is no different. So, when we divorced, my ex-husband and I made sure to come up with a routine that worked for all of us.

When he was younger, I was able to get our son off to school in the mornings, while my ex-husband could be with him in the afternoons, which allowed them to have dinner together a few nights each week. We also alternated sleepovers on weekends and divided school holidays based on the year. This predictable schedule helped our son feel more secure, and our biggest hiccups would typically happen when we deviated from that plan.

As he’s gotten older, our son’s life has gotten busier. Instead of evenings at dad’s place, he now needs rides to after-school activities and sometimes meals on the go. But we’ve still managed to come up with a routine to give him that stability. Schedules may change year-to-year, but our parenting plan that puts our son’s needs first remains the same.

The child psychologist also suggested maintaining healthy boundaries to try to avoid conflict and establish clear expectations when we first divorced. One thing that could get tricky when our son was younger was the transition between homes, and we wanted to make sure drop-offs went smoothly. To make them quick and easy, I picked him up from the car in the driveway instead of his dad escorting him to the door. This eliminated our son’s temptation to invite his dad inside or beg him to stay.

Of course, boundaries can evolve over time—as our son has gotten older, drop-offs no longer present the same challenges. And my relationship with my ex has also grown through the years. While it was challenging, COVID-19 actually enabled us to work together and develop a more cooperative relationship as we handled concerns about health and safety—and we ended up forming our own little bubble of trust that’s lasted ever since.

As a result, my ex-husband and I are comfortable spending more time together. We’ll sometimes have dinner together at my house, giving our son the chance to spend time with both of us. We’ve also taken vacations and spent holidays together as a family, and my ex brought a dog into our lives that everyone adores.

Clear communication with my ex has been critical. Everyone is different, so it’s important to find the style that works best for you. In the early years of our divorce, email was the healthiest way for us to handle difficult conversations about our son’s needs. It gave us both the chance to think about how we wanted to respond instead of reacting in the moment during a face-to-face or phone conversation. In recent years, though, we’re able to have those talks in person or over the phone. But it took some time to get there. In the beginning, it’s all about keeping conflict to a minimum, so do what works best for you.

I’m lucky to have a large group of family and friends who supported me throughout my divorce. Because they were there during those difficult early days, many of them struggle to understand why I’ve taken down some of the guardrails I established with my ex when we first split up. While I understand their questions, I’m still going to keep doing what’s best for our son.

And all they need to do is look at our son to know we’re doing something right. He’s an incredible and resilient kid who is thriving academically and socially. He maintains straight-A’s, dances competitively, and plays violin in the orchestra. He’s also empathetic, loving, kind, and a good friend to others. His father and I have instilled all these traits in him, and we’ll continue to provide a positive environment for him—no matter what challenges might come up in the future.

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