The Adult's Guide to Making New Friends

Remember how easy it was to make friends as a kid? You'd find someone who liked to play the same game as you at recess, and just like that, you had a new buddy.

Unfortunately, making friends in adulthood isn’t always so easy—and inevitably comes with more barriers to entry. We only have a few opportunities to be around people who like the same stuff. Work and family obligations often trump pursuing new hobbies or leisure activities where we would meet someone new. Then, of course, there's the awkwardness of meeting someone new and proposing that you two keep in touch as friends—something we didn't have to deal with when our parents set us up on play dates.

Still, however hard it may be, evidence supports that making new friends in adulthood is worthwhile.

While much of the research on friendship has been done on children and adolescents, Bella Grossman, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Northwell Health’s Katz Institute for Women's Health, and Elyse Tripp, MS, an advanced doctoral student at LIU, recognize the importance of friendships in adulthood and even into older adulthood. “Friendships can help build resilience and support in stressful situations and help with physical and mental health,” they agree. What’s more, research from the Harvard Study of Adult Development found that those individuals with strong and satisfying social networks lived longer.

Here's a look at the benefits of making new friends in adulthood, along with some expert tips on how to break the ice.

There are undoubtedly benefits to maintaining friendships that have stood the test of time. Spending time with people who know you well and you feel comfortable around helps you to feel supported and accepted. However, as we grow and change, making new friends can be an opportunity to present ourselves as the current version of ourselves. “There are times when our longtime friendships, while meaningful, can leave us falling into old patterns, habits, or expectations,” Tripp explains. “Having new friendships gives us a chance to represent ourselves based on who we are now, not who we were as teenagers.”

Making new friends can be especially beneficial when you find yourself in a different phase of life than the close friends you've made. “Cultivating new friendships in adulthood allows us to get support related to similar challenges we might be facing, such as child-rearing or retirement,” Grossman explains. These friendships can sometimes be classified as “friends of circumstance.” Meaning factors like proximity or shared interests and responsibilities brought you together. For example, a fellow mother you meet on the playground who has a child around the same age as your own or a neighbor you can easily spend time with when you're both free. Though these friendships may not evolve to be as deep as your lifelong friends, they can still play an important role by offering support and social connection.

Meeting new friends can be challenging, but it's not impossible. When considering where to meet new people, aim for events and locations where others would be open to meeting new people. Here are a few tips to consider.

Connect with an old or new hobby. “Connecting over a hobby takes away some of the uncertainty of what to talk about since you are engaged in an activity,” says Grossman. Both experts suggest exploring local events offered by community centers and libraries, such as exercise classes or a book club. “Meetup.com is another way to meet people who share similar interests, as well as checking through your local newspaper, which can highlight events like a local concert,” they suggest. If you feel too shy to ask to keep in touch with any of the participants the first time you attend, finding a regular class or club to be part of provides more opportunity—and takes some of the pressure off. However, remember that attendees are likely there for the same reason you are—to meet new people who like what they like.

Volunteer. Signing up to volunteer in your community guarantees you'll meet others who also care about where they live—which means you'll already have shared values. Volunteering often requires active work, which Grossman says provides a valuable opportunity to bond and connect over the activity without worrying about other topics to discuss. If your volunteer work includes planting a garden or a park clean up, consider asking a participant if they'd like to come back and enjoy the space another day to see how your hard work paid off.

Consider religious institutions. Churches, synagogues, temples, and mosques offer the opportunity to connect with people with similar beliefs. In addition, these institutions often host lectures, community events, and trips that can provide opportunities to connect with others.

Reach out to old friends or acquaintances. These days, social media keeps us updated on our peers from high school, college, and even old colleagues. If someone you've lost touch with lives in the same area as you, Grossman and Tripp agree this can be a great way to rekindle old connections. “People think ‘it's been too long,’ or ‘they don't want to hear from me.’ But often, our expectations are wrong, and all it takes is being the first person to reach out to reconnect,” they say.

So, you've met a new acquaintance, exchanged contact information, and plan to meet again. Now, how can you turn this into a friendship? Both Tripp and Grossman say that being a good listener is key. “Paying attention while the other person is talking, making eye contact, and showing interest by asking follow-up questions can go a long way,” they say.

If you have difficulty setting aside dedicated time for your new friend, find space in your schedule by inviting them along. “Incorporating a friend into your routines can help find time, such as reaching out to a friend to go to coffee or the same exercise class,” says Grossman. Staying connected through informal conversation, such as sending a text or social media post that made you think of something you're both interested in, can also help build a new connection.

Rejection is hard at any age, no matter the context. If you come home from a class or social event without making new friends, know that this process can take time. Tripp advises approaching these efforts as more of an experiment than a quest. “Try to view it as, ‘let's see what works and what doesn't work,’ when interacting with others,” she suggests. “Just because it didn't work out right now doesn't mean it will never work with this person or others.” So, keep trying!

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