Is There An Ideal Age To Have Kids?

I had family recently visiting from out of town. My brother-in-law, who is less than two years younger than me, is a devoted father of three kids, ages 20, 13, and 5. As I watched him interact with his youngest, I marveled at his stamina, remembering my own 26-year-old child at that age.

My friends have had children at all different ages. The ones who had kids in their 20s had to grow up fast but got to enjoy the freedom of an empty nest while still relatively young. Those who started or expanded their families when they were older—for a variety of reasons—had to adjust to the new demands of their time. Yet they were more seasoned at handling whatever challenges life threw at them.

Looking back, I’m not certain what would have served me better as a parent—the energy of my youth or the confidence and wisdom of middle age. It got me wondering about the ideal window of time to have children.

Then I realized there was one critical factor I was overlooking: biology. So I called Randi Goldman, MD, an OB/GYN and specialist in reproductive endocrinology/fertility at Northwell Health, to find out her opinion on when is the best age to have children.

"Unfortunately, there’s a little bit of a disconnect between our biological clocks and the realities of when people are choosing to start their families," Goldman says. "The reality is that the ‘if and when’ to have children is a very personal choice and a nuanced decision. I don’t know that there’s one right or wrong age, because you must take other factors in life into consideration, like geography, partnership, and financial stability. These all go into the mix."

As Goldman explains, if we look at female fertility strictly from a biological standpoint, our clocks are ticking from the time we’re born. A woman starts with 6-7 million eggs in her body while she’s still a fetus, and the number drops to 1-2 million by the time she’s born. By puberty, that count has dropped to around 400,000 eggs.

"Women will ovulate about 400 eggs over the course of their reproductive life span," Goldman says. The rest of the eggs are lost to atresia, a natural process in which a follicle fails to develop and release an egg during ovulation.

According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), a woman’s peak reproductive years are between her late teens and late 20s. By age 30, a woman’s ability to get pregnant starts to decline, and by her mid-30s, that reduction in fertility picks up speed like a snowball rolling downhill (my words, not ACOG’s). By age 45, it’s unlikely she’ll be able to get pregnant without intervention.

Start reproductive conversations early

Getting back to the ideal age to try to have a baby. "If somebody is otherwise stable and ready to have a child, being younger is probably going to be better in terms of the outcomes and likelihood of success," Goldman says.

In addition to the decline in fertility, certain complications tend to go up with age. Gestational diabetes, gestational hypertension and preeclampsia, preterm labor, and C-sections are all more likely with an older expectant mom. "As you get older, you also have a higher chance of being diagnosed with a chronic disease or something that can influence the health of a pregnancy," Goldman adds.

Stopping the clock

Goldman encourages women who know they want to have a biological child—just not in the immediate future—to speak with their OB/GYNs now to increase their reproductive options later. These include fertility preservation measures such as egg freezing and embryo banking.

Freezing your eggs in your 20s or early 30s has another bonus. "Genetically, those eggs will remain the age at which they were frozen, not the age of the person when they use them," says Goldman. In other words, if a 38-year-old woman tries to have a baby using eggs harvested when she was 30, she’ll have the same odds of getting pregnant as a 30-year-old.

Goldman cautions that while egg freezing is a good option, it’s not perfect. Not every egg is capable of being fertilized by sperm, and not every embryo can be successfully implanted. “Eggs cannot be genetically tested, so we don’t know when we freeze them what proportion of them are genetically normal,” she says.

Having early discussions about reproduction will also allow you to plan and make lifestyle decisions that are more supportive of a healthy pregnancy, such as taking prenatal vitamins (folic acid is especially important), quitting nicotine, maintaining a healthy weight, reducing alcohol or caffeine use, and stopping birth control pills.

• Questions about fertility? Check out Northwell Health’s resource page to learn more about your options
• Should You Try At-Home Fertility Kits?
• Your Checklist To Fertility