Adoption: Myth Vs. Reality

When you think of adoption, you may picture a process that resembles the ones you watched on the ABC Afterschool Specials as a kid—shrouded in secrecy and drama. But that’s not how things are in real life.

We spoke to Ryan Hanlon, president and CEO of the National Council For Adoption, to give us the real deal on what the adoption process is truly like.

Fact: While adoption doesn’t happen overnight, a “really long time” is subjective. Adoptions can happen quickly, while other times there can be a bit of a wait. Keep in mind, much of that time is for everyone’s benefit.

A lot goes into ensuring a good match between the child and parents, which can take a while. There’s also often a home study, lots of paperwork, and with international adoptions, there can be bureaucracy you need to wade through in order to complete the process.

In general, if you’re pursuing adoption, you should expect a timeline of about two years. Of course, sometimes it can happen faster than that, and other times it takes longer.

Fact: Many think that only the rich can afford to adopt, but the most common form of adoption—adoption from foster care—is often free, or at a very low cost. Plus, financial assistance is often available to help defray any costs.

A private, domestic adoption can run about $30,000 or more. These fees will cover the cost of the adoption agency, a social worker with the agency, along with any potential fees required to reimburse the birth mother’s medical expenses. There may also be costs associated with the court process and travel to another state.

International adoption can be in the range of $25,000 to $45,000, with expenses going to immigration fees, agency costs, international travel, and more.

Fact: That’s absolutely untrue. There are almost no babies under the age of 1 to adopt internationally. In general, children adopted from a foreign country will be over the age of 2.

Fact: Quite the contrary. The majority of families that adopt from foster care get some sort of assistance. That can be financial, like monthly assistance, or social support, like ongoing therapeutic services. Many state agencies also provide support to adoptive families, regardless of the type of adoption. Private adoption agencies will often provide support as well.

One thing I will add is that if you plan to do a private adoption, keep post-adoption services in mind when looking for an agency. Ask potential agencies about the type of support they provide and ask for references. Talk to other families about what the agency’s post-adoption support looked like.

Fact: Families today are more diverse than ever, and that holds true in the adoption world as well. Currently, you can adopt in every state in the United States as well as in some international countries whether you’re single, a same sex couple, a transracial family, or multicultural family, as long as you haven’t been convicted of a serious crime or a crime that involved a child. The most important criteria is your ability to provide a safe, loving, and supportive environment for a child.

The only caveat I will put here is that each country has its own rules for who may and may not adopt, so certain international adoptions may be more difficult.

Fact: Older children have likely spent more time outside a stable home and may have spent years shuffling from home to home. So while that may present some challenges, it doesn’t mean that older children cannot thrive in loving, stable homes. In fact, older children often want nothing more than to bond with a permanent family, so it can be incredibly rewarding to adopt an older child. Plus, a child who is older can communicate his or her wants, likes, and needs (babies can’t), so it may be even easier to connect with an older child than it would be with an infant.

Fact: Infertility is not the primary motivation for many families pursuing adoption. Adoptive parents have multiple reasons to grow their family by adoption. They include the desire to extend their family, the wish to provide a permanent home for a child, some adoptive parents feel it’s a religious calling, and yes, there are those who’ve exhausted all their fertility options.

Fact: Potential adoptive parents may think that if their family maintains a relationship with their child’s birth parents, the child will misunderstand the relationships. The truth is that a great deal of research shows that adopted children recognize the difference between their adoptive and birth parents, and that a continued relationship benefits everyone involved.

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