Several weeks ago, my 20-year-old daughter had to leave her study abroad program in Florence because of the level 3 travel health notice issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). When she came home, she had to follow the CDC’s request that she self-quarantine for 14 days. The last thing she wanted to do after leaving the best experience of her life was to stay inside for two weeks.
Since then, every kid (and adult) in this country has been asked to practice social distancing. But do they really have to?
The answer is a resounding yes.
Public health officials are crystal clear in this directive. We must slow the spread of coronavirus.
But following the rules, to use a cliché, is easier said than done. Particularly if you’ve got a surly teen or a once-independent college-age kid living with you. Nationwide, schools are turning to online learning to help combat the spread. And parents are dealing with complaints from their kids with nothing to do and oodles of time on their hands.
Those children are pushing back. Several friends of mine lamented in a group text the other day about their kids demanding to see their friends. “You tell a 17-year-old girl she can’t go to her friend’s surprise birthday party,” one friend wrote. “She’s relentless, I’m working from home, and I just don’t have the strength to argue.”
Although it’s easy to condemn your teen, in some ways, they really can’t help themselves. “Kids don’t calculate risk effectively,” says Laura Braider, PhD, director of the Behavioral Health College Partnership at Northwell Health. “They tend to think they’re invincible. And their history of experience doesn’t lend itself to facing risk as we have as adults, so they don’t necessarily understand,” she adds.
You can also blame biology. The part of the brain that controls executive function—that’s the part that enables you to, among other things, manage time effectively, plan and organize, avoid saying or doing the wrong thing, and make decisions based on experience—is not fully developed until about age 26. So not only do these kids lack experience, they also don’t have the brain capability to comprehend the seriousness of the situation.
Add to that, for years now, we’ve been giving them the tools they need to leave us—to be independent, to be self-reliant, and to make their own decisions. And now, minutes after they’ve launched, we’re pulling them back, literally telling them they have to stay home, or even move home if they’ve been away to college. And they no longer have title over their own lives.
Dealing with disappointment
It’s always been difficult to see our kids unhappy. But this situation brings it to whole other levels. My daughter is moping around the house, complaining how she should be in Italy. And I don’t blame her! Other friends’ kids are upset that their senior year, and all the fun that comes with it, has been cut short. Some kids may not be able to walk at college commencement.
While it may be tempting to say, “Suck it up, buttercup,” Braider suggests to act with what experts call “radical genuineness.” This is the highest level of validating someone else’s feelings, acknowledging that you truly understand the stressors they are experiencing by describing them back to your teen, without condescending or marginalizing; recognizing that while it’s impossible to fully understand their emotions, you know it must be incredibly distressing for their lives to have been so upended. Tell them, “I hate that you’re going through this and it really sucks. And, unfortunately, none of us has a choice in this.”
“Lean into it,” says Braider. “Their lives just came to a screeching halt, and they’re in shock.” But their brains are not adjusting to reality as quickly as we need them to.
Unfortunately, we can no longer count on so many of the things we rely on to get our kids out of their funks—parties, going to movies, even just sitting on the couch with a friend. And the coping mechanisms that typically help kids get through tough times, like going to the gym or having a consistent place to go every day, are not available right now.
But we need to help them adjust. Making sure kids have a schedule can help. “It’s really important for everyone—parents included—to get up, shower, and get dressed every day,” says Braider.
How to get kids to listen
If your child refuses to stay in, don’t walk into their rooms and demand, “This is what needs to happen.” Instead, Braider recommends you first validate how they’re feeling. She suggests things like, “Hey, it is understandable that you feel angry and annoyed. We’ve been preparing you for years to be on your own—you just got your license, you were studying in Italy, you were about to enjoy your last semester in college, whatever it may be—and now all of a sudden the rug is ripped out from under you." Starting out like that changes the entire tone of the conversation, she says.
Kids tend to be egocentric—they view the world exclusively from their own perspective. So it may help to put it into terms that relate to them. Braider says her own teens are very close to their grandparents and great grandparents. “I said, ‘You know how we’re dropping milk off at your grandparents’ door so they don’t get sick? How would you feel if you found out someone went near them and got them sick?’ I explained to them that just as we’re counting on other people to be responsible with our grandparents, we’re responsible for other people’s grandparents as well.”
If all else fails, you may have to turn to old-fashioned measures. Turning off the cellphone or taking the car keys away.
Some of this may feel uncomfortable, and your teen may stomp around the house screaming, “I hate you!” Deal with the discomfort. Take a deep breath and tell your child, “I get that you hate me now but I don’t have a choice. Right now, these rules aren’t optional. They aren’t choices. People’s lives are on the line and I have to do the right thing because if I don’t, people might die.”
Hopefully, we can all get through this together. Our lives depend on it.
