We All Want To Feel More Confident—Here's How

As adults, we all hope to be the most confident versions of ourselves—standing tall as the words of naysayers, critics, and our own self-doubt roll right off our backs. We hope to be self-assured in who we are, and in how far we’ve come. But, too often—and for reasons as varied as each of us as individuals—our self-esteem might not actually be as strong as we might like. Instead, factors like adverse childhood events, crises in our lives, and everyday stressors can cause even the best of us to doubt ourselves.

For help to find the path to becoming a more self-assured and confident adult, we turned to Jaclene Jason, PhD, a psychologist with Northwell Health.

While some people seem to be born oozing confidence, others find themselves clinging to the shyer side of the spectrum. Adding to this, Jason explains some of us might feel we have less self-esteem because of our own histories along with the thought that we’re somehow not meeting expectations—whether our own, or those held for us by others. She adds that, for many of us, events in our past may leave us feeling like we are less than, which can in turn lead to insecurities.

And that feeling of being “not enough” isn’t just limited to one section of life. Instead, it can be about our appearance, achievements, finances, age, relationships, or any number of other aspects of our lives. But while overcoming this negative self-talk may seem like an insurmountable battle, Jason asserts it is possible to work through our vulnerabilities and get to a place of security and confidence. Here are a few steps she suggests to start you on that path.

As simple as it sounds, sometimes the first step in overcoming insecurity—recognizing it—can be the most difficult. “Having the awareness that something is interfering for you or is a vulnerability spot for you is incredibly important in order to move past it,” says Jason. However, insecurity might not always feel obvious in your body. You might feel angry and not know why, or avoid certain activities, thinking you don’t enjoy them, when really it’s just that you might not be confident in your ability to succeed.

And, while it may feel important to identify where your insecurities came from in the first place, Jason says this isn’t always possible or even important in the process of becoming more confident. “There’s an idea that everything stems from somewhere, but we may not always be able to uncover from where, and that does not need to impede your ability to work through it” she says. “Your healing journey doesn’t always need to start from the same place your insecurities did.” Rather, she says, you need only notice the vulnerability exists.

This may sound a bit obvious, but thoughts and facts are not the same thing. For example, you can think you’re bad at math, but without any proof—external or internal—that you lack math skills or ability, how do you know for a fact that you are?

It’s this principle—separating thought from fact—that Jason explains represents the second step in the process to build self-confidence and self-esteem. She suggests thinking to yourself, “What thought is fueling that insecurity?” If the insecurity is, “I’m bad at math,” the thought behind that might be, “I’m stupid.” She says to say to yourself, “When I recognize what that thought is, I can acknowledge it as an insecure thought and not a fact.”

Once you’ve sorted through facts vs. thoughts, it’s time for one of the most important steps. Following from our math example, Jason explains that whether or not you are stupid is immaterial (though you likely aren’t). But thinking you are stupid is unhelpful, isn’t it? That’s why she says the third step in building confidence is letting go of the attachments to the thoughts that are unhelpful.

While in some scenarios you may be able to focus on the facts that are in your control, such as studying for the math test versus worrying about your innate ability to be “good at math,” this thinking can also sometimes get you in trouble. For example, a person with an eating disorder can “control” their food intake and therefore, potentially, their body weight, which might not be “helpful,” for their overall health or self-esteem. Therefore, Jason says to be careful to think of thoughts and actions through a lens of whether they’re “helpful” and not “controllable.”

A way to see which thoughts are helpful is to practice self-compassion and acceptance. While many people feel motivated by change, Jason warns that “changing something externally might not build confidence, especially if it is not coming from a place of self-love.”

For example, Jason cites a widely popular topic people often use when talking about loving themselves: their bodies. Going to the gym to lose weight because you hate your body and want to change it to fit an external ideal of “good enough” is not an example of self-compassion or acceptance. However, wanting to care for your body by exercising it and keeping it healthy because you love your body and want it to help you move through life is a loving act.

People with good self-esteem are motivated to change but with a different perspective than people who struggle with confidence. Jason says people with good self-confidence are also good at “balancing acceptance and change” because they “work toward growth and improvement without it meaning they’re not enough now.”

She gives the example of someone who goes back to school for an advanced degree. They know they have all the skills and knowledge they need now, and are still motivated to work toward new goals for the future.

When something stressful happens or we have a major life change or crisis, it’s easy to fall back into past patterns of dealing with stress—many of which can impact our self-esteem. In these situations, Jason says it’s helpful to reexamine the stories we tell ourselves about what happens to us. “If something is being fueled by our insecurities, we can acknowledge the insecurities, see what story we’re telling ourselves, and look at it with curiosity instead of attachment.” Remember in these moments to align with your values, especially those of loving yourself as you are and that you are enough.

 “Mindfulness is crucial to any of this and the idea that we aim for progress not perfection,” says Jason. “Remind yourself, ‘I’m not going to be perfect and that’s OK. I don't need to attach judgment to it.’”

She says that it’s natural, especially when life is hard, for the mind to fall back into judgment and self-hatred. If that happens, she says, “Go back to step one and work through it again.”

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