When Baby Makes Three

There are few better pleasures in life than holding your newborn baby, looking at your partner, and realizing you made this. Together. But for all the good, loving feelings you have after coming home with your little one, the reality for many parents is that when it comes to adjusting to becoming parents, the emotions can be a bit more … mixed. From finding a groove for sharing housework and baby responsibilities to learning how to communicate, and even what—ahem—intimacy should look like after baby, there’s a lot to figure out.

“Most parents are prepared for the sleep deprivation, but there’s so much more that goes into being a new parent,” says Margaret Doherty, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Transitioning from being partners to being parents is one of the happiest moments of your life, but also one of the most difficult,” she adds. And while maintaining your marriage may take some work, it’s worth the effort. Here are some tips to help you navigate your new normal, and how to nurture your relationship with your partner.

Parents who negotiate who empties the Diaper Genie and who empties the dishwasher are happier than those who try to wing it. Divvy up the duties in a way that seems fair to both partners. For example, if one of you works full time out of the house, he or she may not need to do the mother lode (ahem) of the baby care. Make a list, so you can work through all the potential pitfalls in advance. And remember that roles are malleable. “Keep talking and renegotiate later if you have to,” says Doherty.

Make it a habit to tell your partner you appreciate them as often as possible. Whether it’s acknowledging that they took out the garbage when it was your turn or that they capably cleaned a poop explosion. Saying thanks not only demonstrates that you see your partner today, it also guarantees that your children will see an example of a healthy, loving relationship later.

“A lot of people think that after they get the all-clear from their doctor they’re going to jump right back into bed,” says Doherty. “But your body has been through a trauma, it may look and feel different, plus you’re both probably exhausted, and may not want to have intercourse right away,” she adds. But intimacy doesn’t have to involve sex. You can cuddle on the couch, text sweet messages during the day, kiss him on the forehead while watching TV, or touch his arm as he walks by you in the kitchen. “There are plenty of ways to let your other half know you care without pouncing on each other,” says Doherty.

Initiate conversations about your spouse’s day that don’t revolve around the baby. How did the meeting go? Did you have a good time at the park? Did you get to see any friends today? This shows you still care no matter how much time and energy the baby consumes.

Many new parents aren’t comfortable leaving their newborn and that’s OK. Just being together is often all you need to reconnect. Order in a nice meal, set the dining room table, and eat by candlelight while the baby sleeps in the next room; sit close on the couch and binge the new season of Virgin River; or play a game of Monopoly together. Anything that you can do as a couple will remind you that you’re not just parents, but people, too.

We all have desires and despite what you may want, your partner isn’t a mind reader. “When you hold on to your expectations without expressing your needs, you’re going to get angry and resentful and set your partner up to fail,” says Doherty. Be specific about what you need from your partner. “You never help me,” probably won’t get you too far, but something like, “I’m exhausted and would appreciate if you could put the baby to bed tonight so I can go to sleep early,” will most likely prompt your partner to help.

Once you’re settled into a schedule you might consider getting someone to watch the new baby while you two take a night out together. There’s nothing like putting on some makeup, real clothes, and getting out of the house to make you feel human. To tamp down the stress, ask a family member to stay with the baby. And remember that going out doesn’t have to be an all-night extravaganza. Take a 30-minute walk together or grab a slice at your local pizza place. And tell your sitter to contact you only if something’s wrong. “If Grandma’s name continuously pops up on your phone, you’re not going to be able to be present for your partner,” adds Doherty.

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• Find out how to be a mom, and still feel like yourself.