Before you try to “get through” to her, let’s take a step back and look at what could have led to this message.
You’re right—there was a time when you “did everything” for your kids because they needed you to survive. But as they grew into less helpless kids, teens, and adults, it also became your responsibility to listen to their individual needs.
Have there been times when your daughter tried to have an honest conversation with you, asking for something that you weren’t providing? Maybe she asked you not to criticize something, like her own parenting, her appearance, or her choices? Perhaps she’s said you treat her differently than her siblings, or that she feels burdened by your resentment about the ways childrearing upended your life?
Here are a few guidelines to follow as you reflect on your relationship and move toward a potential reconnection:
Don’t compare your relationship to anyone else's. I understand how difficult this can be. Maybe you go back to your own childhood, where your parents treated you far harsher than you ever treated your children, or they didn’t provide you with nearly as much financial, emotional, or material support as you’ve given to your children. Maybe you’re comparing it to some of your friends, who have seemingly wonderful relationships with their adult kids.
But some of this comparison may be exactly where your daughter’s frustration is coming from. She may be appalled to learn about the ways that your parents treated you but hurt that your pain didn’t make you want to continually try to show up in healthier ways for her. Maybe she’s frustrated that rather than focusing on her and her needs, you bring up the closeness that you perceive between a friend’s family.
Rather than focusing on other relationships in your life, think about what your daughter really needs from you and how you can overcome your own pain or issues to give it to her.
Apologize with changed behavior. You may think that past issues have been water under the bridge if you gave your daughter a “sorry for how I treated you” or “I promise do to better.” But if the apology wasn’t paired with an actual change of behavior, your spoken or written apology isn’t enough.
Once you understand what your daughter feels is missing from your relationship, start working toward the behavior she wants to see. Don’t make a show of it. Rather, just do it with respectful regard for what she needs.
Any reconciliation must be on her timeline. Be patient as you work to do better. You may be eager to show her that you’ve changed and get your relationship on track. But if you make this too much about you and what you’ve done, your daughter will be frustrated all over again. Recognize that the only way forward is to respect the requests she’s made of you and continue to display healthy behavior because it’s the right thing to do.
