How To Be A Mom, And Still Feel Like Yourself

If you’ve ever wondered what it might feel like to sprint through a marathon, I might suggest asking any new mom. (Spoiler alert: It’s exhausting.) That’s because the transition to motherhood isn’t always an easy one and it certainly isn’t quick. There’s so much to navigate—from the physical (What just happened to my body?!) to the emotional (Why do I feel this way?), and the logistical (How do I find child care?) to the existential (Who am I now?). And it can be frustrating when the answers to these questions aren’t always immediately obvious.

So, here’s a piece of advice as a mom and an OB/GYN: Be patient. Asking all these big questions of yourself all at once will only overwhelm you. My recommendation? Put one foot in front of the other. Deal with your immediate and practical concerns first, put in a little effort when you can, and have faith that the rest will work itself out in time. And, if you’re still feeling a bit panicky about what this new role of “Mom” will mean for the other titles in your life, like partner or employee, then let’s dive in together because I want you to feel as prepared as possible.

When I had my first child, I was working for a small medical practice and only had four weeks of maternity leave (and I appreciate that that is even more time than other parents are afforded). I went back to work when my son was just over a month old, and I remember crying for weeks during the transition. All I could think about was the guilt I felt leaving him every day, of having someone else care for him. Needless to say, those first few weeks were brutal. But then we found a great nanny who became part of our family, my husband and I worked together as a team to tackle our brave new world, and everything got a little bit easier.

And that’s the thing—every mom is going to find their rhythm at a different pace. The best thing you can do is connect with people who are supportive of your choices and your situation and be honest with them about all of the emotions you are having about returning to work. It’s such a relief to not have to pretend that everything is easy and OK all the time.

That said, many moms are surprised when they find the return to work easier than they imagined. It can be a big relief to return to a job you already know how to do instead of the one that you’re learning every day. Having a professional—day care staff, nanny, or relative—take over child care for a big chunk of the day can feel like a load off.

And, if it doesn’t feel easy and, like me, you cry a lot—or you begin to immediately rethink all your life decisions—just know that time might just change the experience for you. Take a deep breath, have an open mind, be patient, and see how it unfolds. Two weeks is a long time in the life of a new mom, and you may find you feel surprisingly different about things faster than you might imagine.

However soon you have to be back in your workplace—or back in front of a computer at home—do your research on child care options ahead of time (ideally during pregnancy if you are reading this then). That way you won’t be scrambling and stressed at the last minute and can spend whatever leave time you have focused on your baby and your time with family.

And know that—as long as you find a loving, trained care provider—you can’t go wrong. There used to be a lot of debate about whether day care was better or worse for kids than one-on-one caregiving, and the consensus now is that all forms of child care have their pluses and minuses. The most important thing is finding a solution that works for your family and your circumstances.

I recommend using some of your leave time (assuming you have enough) to transition back to work. After my second child was born, and I was afforded a more generous leave policy at work (thank you, Northwell!), I decided to hire a nanny before I went back to work and had her start a few weeks early while I was still at home. That gave us time to get to know each other’s rhythms and made the actual departure for work easier for me. If your baby will be going to day care, you could start them a few days early, to try out the drop-off and pickup logistics and get a little bit of time to yourself to prepare for returning to the office. Plus, it’s a great time to prioritize a little you time and get a manicure, haircut, or even better—a nap!

I’ll be totally honest. The core relationship that began your family may be the one that suffers the most in the beginning. So much time is focused on the new baby or other children in the house, because they are the ones that need it most, that it’s easy to forget to give the relationship with your partner the attention it needs, too. I tell my patients that they may find themselves fighting or arguing or thinking things through differently after baby—and that’s bound to cause some friction.

It may not be pleasant, but for many new parents, it’s something to be expected.

The second thing I tell them to do is to set up a “date night” once a week or, at least, every other week. This does not have to be fancy or even involve babysitters, just find a time you can be together for an hour with a glass of wine or a cup of coffee and reconnect.

One of the most common questions I get from new moms as an OB/GYN is about sex after baby. Some are nervous, and rightfully so, while others can’t wait to get back to being physical with their partners. And truth be told, no matter where you fall on that scale, the reality is that it’s not always the most enjoyable in the beginning. Your body needs time to heal (I tell all my patients to wait six weeks before having intercourse or using tampons), but, beyond that, there are hormonal and emotional changes that can make sex challenging at first.

If you are breastfeeding or pumping, your estrogen levels are being suppressed, and estrogen is key to providing lubrication. So, sex may be more dry and painful. If that happens, ask your provider about creams you can use to increase lubrication. Estrogen is also key to having a sex drive, so women who are nursing may notice they have less of an interest in sex, which is totally normal. (Plus, having a baby attached to you all day long can make physical intimacy with another human seem way less appealing than it used to be.)

And, finally, you may just not feel comfortable in your skin right away. Your body just spent months growing and birthing a tiny human, so it’s only natural that it might take some time to adjust to the person staring back at you in the mirror. You may not want to have sex just yet, and that’s OK. And if your partner feels frustrated by that, have them read this article.

The bottom line is there’s no “rule” for when sex will come back into your life regularly. Until it does, see if there are other ways you can connect physically that feel good, like cuddling on the couch while you watch your favorite show or giving each other backrubs.

A lot of couples enter parenthood with the best intentions to share responsibilities 50/50, but it’s easy for things to quickly become lopsided if you don’t pay attention—particularly if you are breastfeeding. And, as women in this culture, we’re not usually raised to ask for help or directly tell someone what we need. I hope—and think—that’s evolving because you just can’t assume somebody knows what you need. You have to ask for help. You have to tag your partner in. If you are suffering in silence, you cannot fault your partner for not being able to read your mind. (Though that would be nice.)

The division of labor—and your specific needs—should be an ongoing conversation.

Start with a plan of how you will divvy up the baby duties (if one partner is feeding, maybe the other is on diaper duty), and keep that mindset as your child grows. It’s good to revisit it together periodically to see if you are still sharing the burden as equitably as possible or if you need to rebalance anything.

We are inundated with these images of what motherhood should be like and we can get hung up on them unnecessarily. Some women immediately step into their new identity and it feels right. For others, it can take longer and that’s OK, too. Babies don’t come with a manual, and if you don’t feel immediately confident in your capabilities as a parent it’s OK to cry and to reach out for support. This is a long game.

You are not going to enjoy every moment of every stage and that’s true of everything in life. I loved my fourth grade teacher, but my seventh grade experience was kind of “meh.” I could take it or leave it. And I think that’s an important thing to validate about motherhood. Sometimes it’s awesome and sometimes it’s just hard or boring or not what we expected. Letting go of our preconceived notions about motherhood can help us just be true to wherever we are in the experience.

One way to stay connected to the person you were before you started being called “Mom” is to carve out small chunks of time here and there to do things that make you feel good. Maybe it’s a bath or reading or walking with a friend. Keeping those moments a part of your life will help you stay connected to the core of who you are as a person, not as a mother, spouse, or employee. It’s still you in there, it’s just an evolution of you.

• Expecting? Here’s what to expect when you get home.
• Not feeling sexy after baby? Have patience and communicate with your partner—your mojo will follow.
• My battle with postpartum depression.