Millennial Parents, Give Yourselves A Break

While parenting has always been challenging, I am seeing more and more millennial parents in my practice who are quite hard on themselves for several reasons. It’s not surprising given that there are some unique stressors for this generation, including screen time struggles, childcare costs, and both the news cycle and the infinite (and often ineffective) sources of parenting advice, which can be anxiety-provoking, confusing, and contradictory.

One thing millennial parents are getting right is that, while there are cultural and geographical differences, fewer are using corporal punishment or spanking as a way to get their kids to behave. Yet millennial parents’ more benevolent methods don’t often see immediate results, which leads to frustration. Consistency, however, will pay off in the long run.

I’m a psychologist and the director of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Program at Northwell Health, and I’m also a parent who has dealt with my fair share of challenges when it comes to raising children. Here are five things I wish millennial parents knew about how to take the pressure off themselves and feel confident about their parenting skills.

When it comes to parenting, none of us are doing it perfectly. I have never known a parent who always knows what to do and does the best practice as prescribed. In fact, when my kids were younger, I’d get a lot of pitying looks from family and friends when one of my children would throw a tantrum. Even mental health professionals and educators aren’t exempt from our kids acting out.

There are daily high-stress situations for all parents, such as making sure they get to school or day care on time, getting them to eat healthy meals (before dessert!), helping them with their homework, bathing, and bedtime—the list goes on. There’s also pressure on parents to set up playdates, extracurricular activities, and carve out time for the family to be together. And let’s not forget the work demands on parents and the need to find adequate childcare.

Many parents worry that if they don’t do everything “right,” they will damage their children, but that’s simply not true. Look out for this perfectionist behavior and be compassionate with yourself.

There seems to be a new parenting book published every day. While some are quite helpful, others create more problems. Each purports a “new” and “better” way to raise our kids, which can be overwhelming for parents.

Instead, I recommend this list of parenting self-help books from the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. It is a good starting place to find books recommended by psychologists, based on research about best parenting practices. From there, though, you really have to look at the specific behavior or problem you’re trying to address. Find a book for what you need, such as raising anxious kids, potty training, or overcoming “mom guilt.”

Another problem with reading too many sources is that many people try a little bit of one thing and a little bit of another. For kids, consistency is more important than “getting it right” every time, and many kids’ behavioral issues stem from a lack of consistency rather than a faulty parent.

Pick one good parenting book that is geared for your concerns about your child and focus on those strategies. Stick with it for a while. If you have a partner, make sure to collaborate on how to implement the interventions and troubleshoot before switching to another book. And remember you need more than a few good parenting books. Parenting is a process and involves changing a system in the household—it’s not one strategy that will “make” or “break” your child.

The parenting style that has been shown to be most beneficial is the authoritative style. This means that parents consistently and clearly set expectations in a way their children understand, and the children are capable of doing those things. Authoritative parents are affectionate toward their children, give positive attention, and spend time with their children. Their rewards and punishments are predictable and reliably earned and make sense. In these circumstances, kids’ behavior will be more stable, and you will, in turn, be less stressed.

The passageway to good mental health usually involves relaxation time, but, as parents can attest, self-care is about more than deep breathing and taking walks. Yes, parents should exercise to improve their mental and physical health, but self-care needs to be both behavioral and cognitive. We need to change our behavior and how we think.

Parents who find themselves struggling, and are emotionally very reactive to their kids’ behavior, should seek out their own therapists, separate from their children, to learn coping skills. To address your parenting worries and emotional reactions to kids’ behavior, CBT can help. Work with your therapist to find strategies that will help you give clear, assertive commands and ways of setting limits that are effective without shaming or guilt tripping.

Kids can learn coping strategies for unpleasant emotions both in school and, if needed, in therapy. Children need to learn that while not all emotions are fun, they can learn to deal with them in planned, well-thought-out, non-impulsive ways.

One way we can encourage this is when you as a parent need to calm down, set an example by coping out loud. Model clear communication and assertiveness. If possible, retreat in moments of stress to a calming location, and then reenter the situation when you feel more centered. When you leave for a walk or to chill in another room, clearly explain that you need some quiet time to calm down and tell your child when you’ll be ready to continue (e.g., in five or 10 minutes). If your child has already learned coping strategies in school or psychotherapy, ask them to help you learn how to calm down. Practice these strategies together.

When a child’s behavior needs to change, tailor your reaction to suit your child and the situation. Then, try to make it a collaborative effort by listening to, empathizing with, and giving the choices that you’re comfortable with to your child, such as the order chores can be completed in, or a menu of rewards for positive behavior change. The most effective way to reinforce behavioral change with your child—and the best reward—is spending time with and paying attention to them. Child-directed play, without the need to enforce rules or provide criticism, helps create a positive bond with your child.

And when you do need to compromise, look for adaptive replacement behaviors that uphold your values and meet your and your child’s needs. You don’t have to apologize for setting a limit. If they’re safe, you can ignore any screaming, be firm, and still offer your child comfort when they’re beginning to calm down.

With consistency, you will notice a positive change in your child’s behavior—and you will feel more confident in your parenting skills.

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• What Kind Of Parent Am I?