What I Wish You Knew About My Fear Of Public Speaking

Hello. If you clicked on this article and are reading these words, you can probably relate to my “little problem.” Maybe you also have a fear of public speaking. Or maybe you have no problem at all with public speaking and are here to better understand what all the fuss is about.

Well, hopefully I can give a voice to the millions of others who also don’t like to use our speaking voices out loud in a public way. And to be honest, there’s a piece of me that’s hoping the act of writing this article will be so therapeutic that I’ll work out all of my issues on paper and my problem will be solved forever.

It’s not going to happen, but it’s nice to dream.

Why? Because if you’re like me, you are keenly aware of how much this fear of public speaking is interfering with your life. According to Daniel Hoffman, PhD, ABPP, a clinical psychologist at Northwell Health and director of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Practice, the anxiety around speaking in public can be so debilitating, it can lead to impairment in functioning and reduced quality of life.

“If left untreated, people with this type of disorder are at risk for lower socioeconomic status as adults—they earn less money than people who don’t avoid public speaking. Because they shy away from leadership positions that entail presentations and other such public displays, they run the risk of not advancing their careers.” he says.

Roger that.

And, it’s (unfortunately) true. Throughout my life, this fear of public speaking has prevented me from participating in so many wonderful events: giving toasts at milestone life events that celebrate people I love and cherish; being the mystery reader at my kids’ elementary school (yes, my fear extends to when kids are the only audience); and more recently, speaking at an industry conference filled with my colleagues from throughout the country, to name a few particularly painful examples.

Fun fact: One place I can speak in public? Funerals. Probably because it’s totally acceptable to cry at the podium, which I have actually done. So funerals are the one situation where my behavior is appropriate. But I digress.

Fear of public speaking is quite common. In fact, according to the National Institutes of Health, as much as 30% of the general population shares this fear (some estimate it goes as high as 75%). The fear is so great for around 10% of people, that it interferes with important daily activities, at school, home, work, or socially. So, what causes this fear and what can be done about it? I’m glad you asked.

Here’s what I wish everyone knew about my fear of public speaking.

1. What might seem a little scary to you propels us into a full-blown panic attack

When most people give a speech or a presentation, they may get a little clammy in the palms or experience butterflies in the belly. But when you have such a deep-rooted fear of something, as I do with public speaking, that fear takes on a life of its own.

The symptoms can be different for everyone. For me, it’s a chill that happens deep within my body that makes me cold-sweat not just from the usual places, but also from the top of my head—my hair actually gets wet! My throat tightens up, which makes it hard to talk (not to mention breathe). And—this is my personal “favorite”—my mind blacks out while I am speaking. Like, I literally cannot recall what happened or what I said, so there is no opportunity to even learn from the experience. Afterward, I get a crazy “hangover” headache, probably from all the blood that rushed to my head and the adrenaline that surged to help me fight or flee from what my mind was interpreting as a dangerous situation. It’s a really terrible feeling.

2. Introverts tend to be more prone to fear of public speaking

This is not surprising.

Hoffman says fear of public speaking is a narrow form of social anxiety disorder that often starts in childhood or adolescence. “Our genes and upbringing may lead us to have either an introverted or an extroverted temperament, and both are normal,” he explains, “but introverts tend to be more risk averse, and have to work harder at resilience.” In addition, some people are just more sensitive to the experience of anxiety. “We don’t like, and do avoid or escape, things that make our heart race, make us blush, or feel tension or hyperventilation.”

Through the years (and thanks to some therapy), I think I’ve been able to identify the root cause of my own fear of public speaking—a middle school theater club performance gone terribly wrong—combined with my introverted and sensitive nature. I find it comforting to know this about myself. It helps make sense of something that makes no sense to me.

3. We can’t just get over it

“Just get over it” has been suggested to me countless times by many well-meaning people who cannot reconcile the disconnect between my confident, happy, natural state and this bonkers thing that takes over when I’m speaking in public. I don’t want to waste my time on this—if “just get over it” were a realistic option, I would have done it by now.

4. For many, fear of public speaking can be overcome—but it takes time and hard work

This fear is debilitating. I’ve taken my fair share of public speaking classes. I’ve analyzed my fear ad nauseam in therapy. I’ve made deals with myself using rewards and even punishments. Thus far, nothing has worked for me.

But Hoffman points to a treatment called exposure therapy as a way to confront fears and work through them. “Exposure therapy is a form of CBT that helps patients target their avoidance and provides real-world evidence that we can be brave and courageous. We learn to tolerate the distress, and learn to be more comfortable with being uncomfortable,” Hoffman says. “By doing the things that we’ve been avoiding, we feel less anxious.”

I haven’t tried exposure therapy yet for my fear of public speaking, but I did try it for another fear I have—roaches! You can check out this video and this article to learn more about exposure therapy and how it works.

“Another great resource is Toastmasters International, an organization dedicated to helping people practice public speaking, build leadership skills, and increase self-confidence,” says Hoffman. “In Toastmasters, people with a fear of public speaking, as well as folks who want to improve their speaking skills, get together and regularly practice public speaking. People take turns as speakers and provide feedback, compassionately giving constructive criticism. Speeches are either prepared or spontaneous. These frequent opportunities to practice, with feedback, are a great avenue for exposure therapy, since they provide anxiety-inducing situations as well as the criticism that we fear.”

5. Our fear does not define us

This is something I need to keep reminding myself, especially after a presentation at work, when I’m nursing my public speaking “hangover” headache, changing the shirt that I sweated through, and wondering, What is wrong with me?

I am high functioning in all other areas of my life. I’m in a happy marriage, I have two beautiful kids, I have a job I love (when I’m not forced to speak publicly), friends, and hobbies. But I’m really stuck when it comes to this.

But, I’m committed to changing this narrative.

I have decided that, at almost 50, this is who I am. I’m good at some things and not good at others. For example, I’m terrible at math. Like really terrible. But it’s something I accept—and even laugh at—about myself. I’ll continue to work on my fear of public speaking by exposing myself to opportunities as they arise, within reason. But I’m also going to work on adding my fear of public speaking to the list of things for which I can forgive myself. And maybe even laugh about someday.

• How to use exposure therapy to help overcome your phobias.
• “No, I didn’t leave your party because I hate you,” and other things an introvert wishes you knew.
• How to know when you could benefit from a good therapist—and how to find one.