The Way I Saw Therapy Was Completely Wrong

Travel back in time with me, for a moment, to before I went to therapy: I’m a 27-year-old guy. I’ve had what many would consider a good life. No major negative life events. No major deaths of loved ones other than grandparents. Nothing throughout my life that you might consider traumatic. Instead, not only do I have a good relationship with all of my family members, I also have a good network of friends, and my career is going well.

Still, despite so much going “right” in my life, I’m depressed to high-hell—and the periods of sadness keep getting longer and more frequent. Tired of seeing me struggle, a close friend suggested therapy. 

I had the stereotypical male reaction to the idea of going to therapy, which is to say, rejected it as preposterous that this is something I couldn’t fix. I remember thinking that life was hard for me recently, but that I had to get through it alone. If I went to therapy and talked to someone, that would be giving up to some capacity and admitting that I couldn’t handle what was being thrown at me.

What got me to eventually “seek help” was hitting all-time lows with my depression. But once I started going I had some major perspective changes that made me realize the way I saw therapy was completely wrong. If I had known these things earlier, I might have avoided my lowest lows, and maybe could have gotten my life back on track sooner. Here’s what I’ve learned.

Therapy being seen as “seeking help” is an awful stigma that I hope becomes outdated one day soon. To start, mental health is health. So the idea that going to a place designed to improve your health being viewed as a weakness is as insane as if going to the gym or hiring a personal trainer to improve your physical health was seen as “giving up.”

Think of it this way: Some people are great caring for their mental health alone, just like some people have no problem working out alone. Some people benefit most from group therapy, just as some people thrive running with a group. Some people need a personal trainer who has made it their mission to understand physical health and personally work with you to improve yours. There is no right answer for one person on the path to well-being, and taking steps like going to therapy to improve yours should be seen as simply as going to the gym.

Even to this day I still routinely go to therapy, because just like you can’t run a marathon and expect to be in shape forever, I don’t expect to ever be done with therapy. And although I feel like I’ve worked through all the major issues of my past, for me, one of the major benefits of therapy is the routine act of working through the gunk in your head to keep negative thoughts from becoming bigger than they should be.

Socialization and empathy has us learn a balanced approach to conversation. It's a give and take of feelings between you and a loved one. At our hearts, though, if we could get away with it, I think we would love to selfishly just pour our feelings and baggage on whoever would take it. Paying a therapist allows this 1000%. The fee is a feature, not a bug. It completely frees you from any inhibitions to fully explore your problems.

Think about going out for dinner and drinks with your friend. Maybe you’re going through a hard time, and you really need someone to talk to. You have to gauge whether you’re being too much with your sorrow, and take turns asking how they’re doing and such. And, you end up paying $40 to $70 for dinner and drinks.

Now, consider the fact that you have the option to pay someone $40 to $70 to talk about whatever you want. You can blather on and on if that feels good, or you can cry for as long as you need to, or you can just be awkward and decompress with no fear that you’re not behaving “right.” You don’t have to abide by the typical social rules, which allows you to actually really explore what is going on that is causing the rough times in your life. Plus, as soon as you realize you’re on the clock, you’re going to get right to work on the reasons you’re there, rather than beat around the bush.

I avoided therapy for a long time because of the cost, but we spend money in all types of inefficient ways, and one day I realized that whenever we spend money as a form of escape, we’re actually in search of what a therapist is offering you straight-up. So, it really became a no-brainer to pay that fee, as it actually saved me tons of money elsewhere where I was squandering money without the same results.

The best part is that working through your major baggage in therapy actually makes that time grabbing drinks with your friend much more delightful and positive. You get to fully enjoy experiences in your life as they are, because you’ve carved out time specifically for self-care.

Imagine not wanting to hire an electrician to wire your house because there’s a negative stigma attached to it labeling it as “seeking help.” Do you know how to do electric? If so, great; please call me, I need some help with something. But if you don’t that’s totally fine, too—and the likelihood is that you’re going to want professional help when it comes to something as delicate as the safety of your home.

In that same vein, it’s a downright incredible, voodoo magic how you can talk your brain into forming new neural pathways. And truly, research has found there are chemical and biological changes that happen to you when you have breakthrough moments with therapy.

Through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) the process and questions asked in a session get you to focus on the thought (the neuron) and create a new position or reaction (neural pathway) that you would like yourself to have when that feeling comes back up, forming a new habit or pathway that you’ll start to live out.

So why wouldn’t you want a professional to help you on that journey?

If talking to a professional when it came to health wasn’t as stigmatized for men, I might have gone to therapy sooner. But, alas, for patriarchal reasons that are beyond the scope of this article, it’s easier for a man to call a contractor to fix his house than talk to a therapist to fix the most important aspects of his life.

Now, four years after starting my therapy journey, I feel better than ever, and have found love in my life—both new and old—that is stronger and more positive than I've ever experience before.

So, if you or a loved one is struggling with anything, or even if you just want a healthy routine added to your life, consider some form of therapy. Because self-care is health care, and it should be standard.

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