What Covert Narcissism Looks Like

My husband and I had a mutual friend who had a habit of one-upping everyone. My husband would mention that we enjoyed a new restaurant over the weekend, only to hear in response, “If you really want to try a good place, you should go here instead.”

Our friend was also generous, always willing to help others. But he never lent a hand without letting us all know about it later. It was annoying, but we laughed it off.

It was only after I spoke to Brit Lippman, PhD, a psychologist at Northwell Health, about the characteristics of a covert narcissist that I realized it sounded suspiciously like my old friend.

Overt vs. covert narcissism

“If you look up narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) in the DSM-5 (the 5th edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), it doesn’t currently include the subtypes overt and covert,” Lippman explains. However, she notes that some literature supports making that classification.

Both overt and covert narcissists share similarities, including:

• A sense of self-importance
• A lack of empathy
• A need for admiration

Overt narcissists, however, display the more stereotypical traits most of us associate with NPD. “Those are people who appear more grandiose, more arrogant, more boastful, and have more of a noticeable, loud presence,” Lippman says. “They command attention and praise in a more obvious way.”

Covert narcissists, by contrast, are much more subtle. “They don’t necessarily come across as arrogant or grandiose, even if they share that same sense of self-importance at the core,” she adds.

The traits of a covert narcissist may include:

• Passive-aggressiveness
• Disclosing insecurities or vulnerabilities to elicit empathy
• Acquiring superficial relationships
• Helping others as a way to gain attention

Lippman says that because a covert narcissist isn’t as easy to spot as an overt one, you may be more vulnerable to manipulation by a friend or family member with covert NPD.

“It’s harder to notice what’s happening with someone who is being more subtle,” she says, mentioning gaslighting and giving someone the silent treatment as two of the ways a covert narcissist may try to manipulate another person.

Another challenge of being in a relationship with a covert narcissist, Lippman adds, is that if someone is presenting as introverted or insecure, you’re more likely to feel for that person and cut them some slack.

“If you’re a sensitive or empathetic person interacting with someone like that, you may be giving that person the acknowledgment, validation, and empathy they very much crave,” she says.

How to spot a covert narcissist

So, how can you tell the difference between someone who’s a covert narcissist and someone who’s just needy or insecure?

According to Lippman, one key difference is that narcissists have trouble taking accountability for their actions. “So, a lot of the time, there’s this almost victim mentality,” she says. They may create a narrative where “other people might not understand them or might not have treated them well.”

A covert narcissist will typically lack insight or self-awareness about how their own behavior affects other people. They may take offense or feel threatened when confronted about their feelings or interactions and avoid genuine conversations.

Lippman says taking a step back to see if you notice a pattern of those traits can help you identify a covert narcissist.

How to protect yourself

Recognizing when you’re being taken advantage of or manipulated is the first step in maintaining a healthy distance from a narcissist—whether overt or covert, Lippman says. Setting personal boundaries (ending a conversation if the other person is being rude or inappropriate; learning to say no without feeling guilty; etc.) is the next step to safeguarding yourself.

A hallmark of narcissism is the person’s self-absorption and grandiosity—how they find a way to be the main character in every situation. Lippman explains that a narcissist will try to draw you in and make you admire them and acknowledge their importance. “You need to be able to be your own person and protect yourself from that,” she says.

• Are you dating a narcissist?
• Understand what trauma bonding looks like.
• Northwell’s patient-centered approach to behavioral health.