Managing Mismatched Sex Drives

I adore my partner, and am very happy in all aspects of our relationship. Except one. Our sex life. He just doesn’t have near the drive that I do. I don’t think I have an abnormally high sex drive … maybe he doesn’t find me attractive? I don’t want to break up over this, but I really don’t know what to do. Help!

Sincerely,
“Horny as Heck”

While your mind may take you straight to This must be about me, I urge you to stop and take a pause, because this may have absolutely nothing to do with you.

It’s natural to feel rejected when your partner doesn’t initiate sex as often as you do. It’s also normal to wonder if something’s wrong in the relationship. But I want to be clear: Partners’ desires can be—and frequently are—different, and that’s to be expected. They can even switch places, with one partner wanting more sometimes, and vice versa.

The amount of sex, the intensity of your sex drive, and the number of orgasms you have a week (or a month) does not necessarily mirror the health of your relationship. Sexual desire ebbs and flows for many reasons, dozens of which have nothing to do with you or how you two fare together.

Sex can be as much mental as it is physical. If your partner is struggling with obligations at work, anxiety about the economy, or even concerns about his own body or his sexual function (yes, men get insecure too!), that may be putting a damper on his desire. He could also have some type of medical condition (like high blood pressure) or be taking a medication that’s affecting his libido.

Communication is key here. Be open with your partner about how you feel without pointing fingers. “I” statements can be very helpful to get your thoughts across without him feeling attacked. Something like, “I feel rejected when you don’t initiate sex as often as I do, and I’m wondering if something is going on that we can talk about.”

Has he noticed the disparity in drives? How does that make him feel? Does he have any thoughts on what may be happening? Is there anything you can do to put him in the mood more often? Then sit quietly and listen to his response, which may allow you to connect in a way that can benefit you both in the bedroom.

If it turns out that your partner simply doesn’t want sex as often as you do (which is perfectly natural—again, everyone has different needs and desires), you could fulfill your sexual needs in other ways. You can take matters into your own hands (literally) with masturbation, either completely on your own, or with him beside you. Who knows, watching you might even arouse him, and he’ll want to join in.

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