How Your Sex Drive Changes Through The Years

Be honest: When’s the last time you wanted to jump your partner’s bones? If the answer is somewhere between last month and the last millennium, you’re not alone.

“Intimacy in marriage generally declines over time and often results in a relationship going from bliss to boredom,” says Joel Block, PhD, assistant clinical professor of psychology at the Donald and Barbara Zucker School of Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell and author of The 15-Minute Relationship Fix. In fact, Block estimates about half of couples struggle sexually with each other.

While you don’t have to be on the exact same page as your partner when it comes to how much sex you two have, it does help to be in the same book, says Block.

Regardless, when one partner wants it far more, or far less than another, there are things you can do to even things out.

While pinpointing the exact cause of a dip in drive can be difficult, several reasons may be at play. They include:

Hormones. When you were younger, sex hormones such as testosterone, estrogen, and progesterone—which work with the brain’s cells to regulate desire, arousal, and orgasm—were plentiful. After 50, those levels drop. To complicate matters even more, levels of estrogen, which helps to maintain vaginal lubrication and elasticity, start to decline as you approach and go through menopause. This drop can make having sex less enjoyable, or even painful, which isn’t exactly enticing.

But women aren’t alone in hormonal changes impacting their libido—men may have a hormone halt as well. Testosterone begins to decrease as men age, which can shift your partner’s sex drive from full throttle to neutral.

Medications. Dozens of meds, both prescription and over-the-counter, list side effects that can squelch your sex drive. These include antidepressants, blood pressure medicines, cholesterol-lowering meds, and hormonal contraceptives.

Stress, stress, and more stress. Supervising remote learning, folding four loads of laundry and polishing a PowerPoint presentation can put a damper on any sex drive. Throw one deadly pandemic into the mix and the stress is amped up to an 11. Even if you wanted sex, who has the time or energy?

Body image. The natural lumps and bumps that come with age can keep you from wanting to get naked, even if your partner finds you infinitely sexy.

So, what can you do to crank up your cravings for each other? Here are some suggestions:

Take a look at your to-do list. See which of your responsibilities can go undone for a bit (the laundry can wait) and which you can assign to someone else. You may just find when your mind is freed up, your body feels freer as well.

Book a date with your doc. Go through your medications with your health care provider to see if you can sub in something that’s less likely to lower your libido. For example, SSRI antidepressants increase levels of serotonin, which can bobble the balance of brain chemicals, leading to a sex drive that’s circling the drain. You may be able to switch to a non-SSRI, like bupropion.

Take a walk (or run) together. Exercising regularly helps increase blood flow throughout your body—including the genitals. It also increases energy and overall mood. Plus, it helps keep you in shape, which will improve body image for both you and your partner. Work up a sweat together by walking, jogging, or taking a virtual ballroom dance class.

Connect with your partner. It may sound cliché but scheduling dates every week—even if it’s just snuggling on the couch—can help you make a sensual connection with your partner. It doesn’t have to be sex, but do try to include some sort of touch or emotional connection. Hugging, spooning, or even just holding hands can release hormones like oxytocin, a neurotransmitter that helps increase sexual arousal. And research shows that strong emotional connections may actually make you (and your relationships) healthier.

Change the scenery. Boredom can take its toll on even the happiest of relationships. You may love pizza, but imagine eating it every day for the rest of your life? Switch things up: If you usually make love in the bedroom at night, try an early morning meeting in the shower, or a lunchtime romp if you’re both working from home, Block suggests.

Review your relationship. Physical desire is influenced by emotions, so if your relationship is strained, sex will be too. The first step toward getting things back on track is to own your part. “People think very linearly when it comes to relationships, but it helps to think of it as a system,” says Block. “The way I behave toward you is going to affect how you behave toward me, and vice versa.” Whatever the difficulty you’re having, take responsibility for it. “If you think you don’t play a part, you’re not looking hard enough,” says Block.

If contentions with your spouse continue, consider seeing a marriage counselor who can help provide you both with tools for communicating and asking for what you need.

• Meet Dr. Joel Block, psychologist.
• Want to improve your sex life? Grab a sponge!
• Say “yes” to the sex: 7 reasons why getting busy is great for you.