How To Set Boundaries With Family, Friends, And At Work

When a perfectly pretty card arrived in my mailbox inviting me to a friend’s upcoming bridal shower, it told me many things: the date, time, location, and where the happy couple were registered. But there was one piece of information missing: What COVID-19 precautions would be taken at the event.

"How dare you think I would put you in a dangerous situation!" the host replied as I asked about that key detail.

Did I think they would intentionally put guests in a dangerous situation? Of course not. But with COVID-19 cases back on the rise and news stories of indoor events spreading the virus despite all attending guests appearing asymptomatic at the time, I knew no in-person event could be 100% safe.

In the end, I wasn’t alone in my concerns. Enough guests responded with the same sentiment that the decision was made to cancel the shower. Was I sad that I’d miss celebrating my friend? Absolutely. But was it worth the risk? Absolutely not.

"It is important to set boundaries in every relationship you have, personal and professional," says Nicole Lippman-Barile, PhD, a clinical psychologist with Northwell Health. "Essentially, you're communicating what you're OK with and what you're not. This is essential for healthy relationships as well as establishing what your needs are."

To say COVID-19 has been disruptive to our daily lives would be an understatement. It's completely changed the way we interact with other humans in every way.

We're also faced with having to say no more than ever before, which can be uncomfortable. Maybe it's saying no to a late-night request from your boss. Turning down plans with family and friends. RSVPing no to your best friend's bridal shower. Setting playtime boundaries with your child's neighborhood friends.

These situations all come with their own unique set of challenges. But the way we handle them boils down to being able to set boundaries.

Establishing boundaries can feel hard and uncomfortable. Trying to develop them in the middle of a pandemic, where opinions on how to stay safe significantly differ and are ever-changing, can feel all but impossible. But as Lippman-Barile explains, setting limits for yourself is a skill that's imperative for any relationship—and one that will continue to be important once social distancing and mask wearing become distant memories. "The consequences of not setting and adhering to your boundaries can result in negative feelings—commonly resentment towards the other person," she says.

Here's how to set those boundaries, whether it’s at work, with family, or friends.

Whether you’ve been feeling overwhelmed and need some time for yourself, or have been invited to do something outside your comfort zone, chances are high that invitations to gather with family will cause difficult conversations to occur. This may force us to let down our loved ones by standing firm on the methods we've chosen to take to prioritize our own mental and physical health.

And if you're the family member guilt-tripping others into gathering together—no matter what the occasion—this one's for you, too.

"As far as upcoming gatherings, it’s best to be clear and simply state how you feel," Lippman-Barile recommends. "You can say, 'I wish we could be there for [insert event here], but I am not comfortable.'"

What if things start to go south? "You can acknowledge their feelings and how they are upset about what you want to do instead, but that you have to do what is comfortable and best for you and your family," Lippman-Barile explains.

Feeling bad about a family member expressing that they're upset with you for setting a boundary is entirely normal. But it’s important to remember that how a person reacts to you asserting your needs does not mean you're wrong for saying it. "It’s your right to express your boundary whether it upsets someone or not," says Lippman-Barile. "As long as you do it appropriately, clearly, and concisely, you haven’t done anything wrong."

Whether you're working remotely and, therefore, always perceived as on the clock—or you've returned to work, but precautions are not being taken to your comfort level, it's essential to communicate boundaries with your boss or employer.

"There are a lot of cases where work boundaries have been a bit blurred because of COVID-19," says Lippman-Barile. "But just because you're home doesn’t mean you're available. That is what is important to distinguish."

Lippman-Barile suggests getting clear with your boss about work hour expectations and communicating your availability. For example, "I'm available to answer these emails and requests until 6pm tomorrow. Otherwise, I will get to them when I become available the next day at 9am," Lippman-Barile suggests.

Similarly, if work precautions are not in line with CDC guidelines, whether that be social distancing precautions, in-office mask mandates, or anything else, be clear with your boss about your comfort level. "With boundaries, you want to clearly communicate what the limit is," Lippman-Barile reiterates.

Lippman-Barile also recommends being clear and direct with friends when it comes to what you're OK with. "You can simply state that you are not comfortable going to a party or event," she says. "If you speak calmly and confidently, it doesn’t have to become an argument. They may not understand, but that's not on you."

What if things become tense? Just as with family members, Lippman-Barile says, "If someone becomes upset about a boundary you expressed, their reaction does not mean you said or did something wrong." Simply try repeating your boundary or acknowledging that they are upset—but know that you sticking with your boundary is more than appropriate. “Your job isn't to appease people, it's to uphold your own beliefs and do what feels comfortable to you."

Of all boundaries to set—whether during COVID-19 or beyond—setting boundaries for children can be incredibly difficult. They might not always understand why they can’t play with friends, or give family members hugs and kisses. "You can empathize with them and say something like, 'I wish you could see your friend also, and you will when it is safer to do so,'" says Lippman-Barile. "I would recommend explaining to children how COVID-19 is spread and how to be safe with one another since doing so is an act of love and friendship." Approach these conversations with language your child will understand and prepare yourself with plenty of patience.

What about setting those boundaries when it comes to the parents of your children's friends? "Again, I would recommend clearly stating what you are comfortable with doing and what you are not," says Lippman-Barile. "You don't have to explain why. You just have to state what it is. If they keep asking about it, you can state it again or say, ‘I've already said what I'm comfortable with; when things are safer, we will be happy to see you again.’"

Setting limits with your children isn’t just necessary during a pandemic, though. Things like clearly established bedtimes, limits on TV time, discouraging behaviors such as hitting, and more help to provide children with structure while teaching them to respect the needs of themselves and others.

At the end of the day boundary setting can certainly be uncomfortable—but it's essential for the health and happiness of our relationships. This is a difficult time for everyone, but taking the necessary steps to outline what you are and are not comfortable with is essential to the health of those very relationships.

It will ultimately benefit us in the long run—even if it initially creates disappointment.

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