Learning To Grieve In The Age Of Social Distancing

On March 22, Brigid Gillis dropped off groceries at her 74-year-old mother's house. "My dad told me my mother didn’t have an appetite for anything, had a low-grade fever, and was having to lay down more than usual," says Gillis.

When Brigid spoke to her mother, Mary Ellen Gillis, via video chat that same day, she seemed to be in good spirits. "She 'fed me' a piece of watermelon over the phone asking, 'Do you want some?' as she pretended to touch it to the camera," recalls Gillis.

The following day, Mary Ellen was sent to the hospital for further evaluation. Gillis' mother was admitted and later tested positive for COVID-19. During her 22-day hospitalization, Gillis and her family were unable to visit.

Instead, they received updates from nurses twice a day on their mother's progress. "It was a long journey of dealing with changing protocol, improvements and setbacks, being able to communicate via Facetime with my mother holding her own phone, to finally having a nurse hold up the hospital iPad for us to see her when she was no longer able to communicate," says Gillis. After a hard fight, Mary Ellen Gillis passed away on April 13. 

Like Gillis, many of us won't always get to be with our loved ones and say goodbye before they pass. But when we do, it can help to bring a sense of comfort to those left behind. "We get a chance to hold their hand, play music for them, feed them, give them water, or put a blanket around them," says Gail Carter, a bereavement social worker with Northwell Health's Hospice Care Network. "It's a way to nurture, love, and put action to what we feel for them in our heart."

Restrictions during the COVID-19 crisis have put a halt to these invaluable last moments. They even prevent us from consoling one another in person to grieve our loss. "I miss hugging my family and friends," says Gillis. "I miss not having to talk and instead just being able to be there with each other. I don't want to talk, I just need a hug." 

"It's not natural for us to do this by ourselves," says Carter. Humans are social beings, biologically wired to seek comfort and support from others in times of crisis—particularly when it comes to experiencing the death of someone close to us. "We have traditions and expectations culturally and personally, so much so that it's something we take for granted," says Carter. "When we can't have that, it's upsetting."

This was true for Danielle Bernabe, who lost her uncle to a brain embolism during the COVID-19 pandemic. "I couldn’t hug my grandma who was mourning her son or my mom who just lost her brother," she says. "Because of travel restrictions, other family members weren’t able to visit and be there for in-person support either. I never realized how important that aspect was until it wasn’t allowed."

Many coping mechanisms are also no longer accessible. "All those other losses–not being able to go to work to distract from our grief, not being able to grieve because the kids are home now, to not being able to go to the gym for a while to take our minds off our grief. We're grieving those losses, too," says Carter.

"It's important to know that you don't have to be OK with any of this right now," says Carter. It's OK to feel sad, robbed, angry, and powerless. "If you weren't able to be with your loved one, that's a big deal," says Carter. "You didn't get to say goodbye, you didn't get to have one more 'I love you' or to apologize, to forgive them, to thank them.”

Part of working through grief is learning to accept what you could and couldn't have done—something that applies tremendously when you feel guilty about not being able to be there in those final moments. And while sadness can be worked through, “guilt can be a life sentence,” says Carter. “In this case, guilt would be irrational, because you didn't have the capability of being there.”

It's hard not to be able to honor your loved one the way you're accustomed to. "We haven’t been able to have a Catholic mass for my mom, who was a woman of great faith,” says Gillis. Instead, Gillis and her family are planning to have the ceremony once restrictions are lifted—something Carter encourages.

Until then, Carter recommends working within the current limitations to pay tribute. "Most funeral homes are offering virtual funerals," she says. "If you don't do something formal, organize a virtual event where everyone can read a poem, share a memory, or play a song—children can draw pictures and show them on the video," she suggests.

Bernabe and her family were able to have a socially distant burial with 10 people present—and found a personal way to honor her uncle afterward. "My uncle loved Jack in the Box," she says. "After the burial we all caravanned through the drive-thru and called it 'the funeral procession.' I know my uncle would’ve loved that so much and that made us all very happy," she says.

Planting a memory garden or tree, or a lantern launch if you live near friends or family, are other ideas Carter suggests. 

"I ended up writing an obituary and sharing it on Facebook to honor my mother," says Gillis. "This way loved ones and people who knew her could pay their respects. We also made a registry on St. Jude's website since my mother used to donate to them every year. It helped us honor her and also give back during this time."

Sometimes the best thing you can do with your grief is just surrender to it. "I don't want to understate that it's OK to feel sad," says Carter.

"Grieving in isolation is something very counterintuitive to me as a human," says Gillis. "I have had FaceTime calls with close friends and just cried. I have talked to my dad every single day for the past month, which is something I did not do before all of this happened." 

Seeking out counseling and support groups with others who are dealing with loss during this time can also help. "There's so much healing, power, and validation in being in a club that no one wants to be in," says Carter.

Performing acts of kindness can also help. "I know one person making masks for healthcare providers, and another delivering meals for her elderly neighbor," says Carter. "One gentleman who lost his wife and job and has two disabled children is working on fundraising efforts for the gym the kids go to that provide services for special needs clients."

Coronavirus has created high stress environments for all of us, so Carter recommends finding something relaxing you can do from your home. Drawing, painting, or learning something new by taking an online class are a few suggestions—but if you don't feel up to doing any of that right now, that's OK too.

Now more than ever, Carter says it's important to know you don't need to be through with your grieving process at any certain time. "You're allowed to grieve all these losses, because it's death and so much more," she says. 

This has been especially true for Gillis, who says she’s "learning that grief does not move in a straight line."

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