Removing The Stigma Of Sex

Sex, politics, and religion: The three hot button topics your parents taught you to avoid at the dinner table, in polite conversation, at work, and, well, loads of other places, too. But over time, treading lightly around one of these “taboo” topics, in particular, has led to a lack of comprehensive understanding of it among many adults.

That’s right. I’m talking about sex.

Historically, sexual health has merely been a footnote in our high school health and biology classes—covering little more than the basics of pregnancy (namely, how to avoid it) and the many potential infections one might incur should one partake. (Recently, the number of schools that cover even that much has been on the decline, according to the National Association of School Nurses.) As a result, some adults are finding that, as they try to navigate sexual and emotional intimacy with themselves and their partners, they require much more information than they’ve been given.

Enter the rise of a new era: curious and confident adults who want to be informed about their bodies (and those of their partners), how they work, and how they can get them to work even better.

Just a quick Google search unveils a world of sex ed podcasts and TED Talks, as well as new programs, classes, and workshops for adults who are craving more information and shame-free conversation.

But according to Joel Block, PhD, a psychologist with Northwell Health who specializes in couples and sex therapy, while many people want information, most are simply afraid to ask. “Sex and sexuality is not a subject that is spoken about openly in many households, and, consequently, it often takes on an air of shame,” he says. So when troubles arise, it can feel like an exposure of “inadequacy” that contrasts what we are so accustomed to seeing in the media: Hot sex scenes where everything works perfectly. Too often, reality and what we expect usually doesn’t correlate—and that can be scary.

Most of us just don’t realize it’s a pretty universal fact.

While sexual issues can vary wildly, Block says he most commonly sees a handful of concerns: Men most often have questions about getting or sustaining erections, but are concerned about using medication to “get there.” “Erectile dysfunction can really bring out the insecurity of ‘aren’t I enough?’” he says. Premature ejaculation is another common concern for men, who, according to Block, often do not seek treatment until pressured by a partner.

Similarly, anorgasmia—or the inability to orgasm—in women is also common but, like their male counterparts, seldom presented for treatment.

“These and other performance concerns are so common, but everyone thinks they are the only ones,” Block explains. In fact, research shows that between 9% and 25% of men and 6% and 16% of women are affected by sexual performance anxiety.

According to Block, another issue he often sees is couples who are struggling with “incompatibility of desire”—whether it be frequency or preferences. And those struggles can take a big toll on overall relationship quality. “After the bloom of courtship, couples make many compromises,” he says. “But the compromises around sexual preferences are often a special challenge.”

Initially, for many couples, the newness and novelty of a romance may mask some incompatible behaviors. “When the smoke clears, the question becomes, ‘Can we build a sexual bridge that works for both partners?’"

Block says that compromise is essential. Creative problem solving can also be an asset, even as many couples might be tempted to call it quits. Block recommends that individuals and couples consult with a psychologist with a strong background in couple work and sexuality.

But on a more systemic level, he also believes we need to place more emphasis on discussing not just the biological basics of how things work but also the emotional aspects of partnered sexuality. “If we had more open discussions about the emotional component, that would be a significant step forward,” he says. “The atmosphere should encourage open discussion that is not at all shame-based.”

There are many resources available to adults looking to enhance their sexual education. But Block notes that accuracy and expertise are important to consider when seeking out those resources. In addition to consulting a psychologist with postdoctoral training in sexuality, Block also recommends The National Institute on Aging for “unbiased and accurate information with the right tone of authenticity.”

• Meet Dr. Joel Block, psychologist.
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