7 Things I Wish You Knew About Having ADHD

If I asked you to describe the process of cleaning your home, I imagine neurotypical folks would start with one room and move task by task. Maybe you start in the bathroom. Clean the toilet, wipe down surfaces, empty the garbage, and scrub the tub.

But here’s how it goes for me, an adult with ADHD: When I start cleaning my bathroom, I need to get the toilet bowl cleaner from under my kitchen sink. Once in the kitchen, I see a coffee cup in the sink. I wash it, accidentally spilling some water on the floor, and notice how dirty it is. I walk into my office to grab the broom from the closet and spot a second unwashed coffee cup on my desk. I bring the cup to the kitchen and notice my cat's empty bowl on my way to the sink.

I wash and refill the food bowl, opening the last can of cat food. I go to my computer to order more and see an email from my editor asking where my draft of this article is. I look at the assignment email and realize it was due yesterday.

I sit in my office chair, stare out the window, and think about everything I have to do today. I don't start writing this article for another half hour because I'm so overwhelmed. When I do, I feel ashamed because I was so excited to write this. How could I have forgotten about it?

While I was hyperfocusing on this article, I forget to order cat food—and my bathroom is still dirty.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early 20s, when my inability to meet deadlines became prevalent enough to jeopardize my job. I sheepishly made an appointment with my primary care doctor to describe what had been happening, wondering if there might be some vitamin or hormone deficiency causing my extreme lack of concentration.

I told my doctor how I'd gotten away with procrastinating until the last minute my entire life until now and that my work turned out more creative when I pressed it hard against a deadline. She had me fill out a questionnaire that seemed to know every bad habit I had.

• How often do you misplace or have difficulty finding things at home or at work?
• How often do you have difficulty keeping your attention when you are doing boring or repetitive work?
• When you have a task that requires a lot of thought, how often do you avoid or delay getting started?

My answer to each one was “very often.” But doesn't everyone? Apparently not.

My doctor offered to start me on a low dose of extended-release Adderall to help me concentrate. The first time I took it, I sat through an entire meeting without zoning out once. All the office sounds that'd normally distract me were suddenly quiet. I could think clearly enough to come up with ideas, articulate them to the group, and write them down after the meeting without forgetting. Was this how “normal” people's minds functioned? I couldn't believe what I'd been missing.

Medication has been a tremendous help in managing my ADHD, but it's not a cure-all. There are still tasks I struggle with. There are days when I'm so overwhelmed with everything I have to get done that I fall into ADHD paralysis, where I'm unable to do anything but sit and dissociate. ADHD also impacts my relationships, something I've become more aware of as it's been discussed on social media.

For those who have someone with ADHD in their lives, here are seven things I wish more people understood about living with ADHD.

1. We're not unmotivated

It's horrible to want to do something so badly and not be able to—especially when your livelihood depends on it. Even with medication, I still have days where I can barely force myself to complete work that I was excited to take on when it was assigned but can't focus long enough to execute.

 2. We don't mean to be jerks

Those of us with ADHD can have trouble controlling our emotions because we spend so much time and energy trying to focus throughout the day that there's just nothing left to help us keep our cool. We don't mean to snap at you. We've just had a long day trying to force our brains to work correctly, and we're tired.

3. We're not trying to be rude, either

I had no idea being blunt was a symptom of ADHD. But apparently, my prefrontal cortex lacks stimulation, which makes me more outspoken and irritable. It's not you, it's me.

4. We meant to text you back

In my mind, I already have. I just never typed it out. I wanted to; I really did. In a few days, I'll see something that makes me think of you and text you back with hyperfocus. Speaking of which ...

5. Our new hobby won't last

I learned about "hobby-bouncing" as a symptom of ADHD through TikTok and have never seen anything more accurate. This cycle of finding a new hobby and becoming completely immersed in it—only to completely drop it a few weeks or months later when the novelty wears off—is a journey I know all too well. If anyone's in the market for knitting supplies, I have some up for grabs.

6. We want to be on time

I know how long it will take me to get where I'm going when I make plans, barring any traffic or train delays. What I can't figure out in advance is how often I'll get distracted before I need to leave and how late that will make me. I've made it a habit to start getting ready to go much earlier than I have to, in case my attention gets diverted.

7. We're doing our best

ADHD is a condition that's only visible when we let someone see it or feel comfortable enough to talk about it. If someone tells you they have ADHD, it's likely because they know their symptoms may impact your relationship with them. We appreciate your patience and understanding more than you could ever know—especially when we're late, forgot to text you back, or can't find our keys ... again.

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