Everyone around me jumped up and down in Lululemon workout gear, while I sported the very latest in ratty maternity wear, circa 2005. Not that I just had a baby or anything as frightening as that. It’s just that all my comfy old maternity clothes wound up as pajamas, which at times double as gym clothes. So you see, I’m not only incredibly fashionable, I’m practical too.
In truth, the ladies weren’t all wearing Lulu. There were some Hard Tails thrown in, one girl sported Nike and two were wearing outfits I couldn’t identify. I tried to get a close-up look, but it got a little weird. I guess I should have waited till they were done with their squats.
I concentrated on the fashion parade to distract myself from what I was supposed to be doing-–exercising in skinny, sadistic Stacy’s boot camp class.
“Twenty-five burpees!” She yells, slim as a string bean with two little peas for boobs and a butt. The biggest thing about her was her mouth.
We hurry to comply and commence with quick jumping squats to plank. Again. Again. Now, I’m no exercise novice, but burpees are something that you can only effectively do if you’re in your 20s, are super fit or are a frog. I am none of the above. When I do a burpee, it looks more like a throwupee. I’m a mess, a splatter of limbs on the floor, and I can never keep up the pace.
“This is your hour!” skinny, sadistic Stacy screams. Damn, I think. This is my hour. I look at the clock. Is it almost over? I want another hour, one that involves someone massaging my back and me sighing deeply instead of panting in pain. Why is this my damn hour?
“Squats!” She yells. “Stick out your butt, ladies! Lower! Again! Again!” She sticks her peas out to demonstrate.
She is the exercise Nazi. You didn’t squat low enough! No breathing for you!
“Run!” she screams, her voice hot on my back. “R U N!!!” She is scary. And loud. I wish there were a skinny, sadist Stacy mute button.
“It’s your hour!!! PICK IT UPPPPPP!” We all run faster. I’m closing in on one of the women whose clothing brand I can’t determine. If I can just get a little closer…
“Jumping JACKS!!! GO!”